Desert Journey – Day 24
The cursor blinks rhythmically; the blinking pattern is predictable. I wish the words were as predictable. This might be the morning I worried might come, the one where there is nothing to write. My mind labors. My thoughts fixed on all of the responsibilities that fill my head.
I wonder if Jesus ever had weeks where he felt like his to do list was longer than his arm. Did he ever wish a week would come to an end? Did he get bogged down in details or did he maintain perspective? There’s that word again, perspective – the capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance.
View. I can choose to inspect each grain of sand and focus only on that; I can take a small step back and see larger quantities of sand particles. But, if I shift my line of vision completely, I will change my view and see the horizon.
Fixating on the grains of sand seems to obstruct viewing the horizon. You cannot do both. Jesus lifts my head and helps me change my gaze. If I don’t look at all the grains, how will I keep track? I am challenged to look up. My nature prefers to bury itself in the grains of sand, with the potential to eventually be consumed.
Jesus says, the choice is mine. I sigh, sit in the sand and look upwards. A certain peace is bestowed upon me.
It’s all about where we keep our focus on
When I went to vision therapy for my monocular eyesight, the exercises consisted of stretching and strengthening the eye muscles, then practicing opening your field of vision. I was trying to experience depth perception; I wanted to see my world as something other than a postcard, even just once. I particularly wanted to see snow fall as something other than a white shower curtain. I had to practice and practice opening my field of vision WAY open, ignoring all details in order to have the illusion of depth. My vision therapist memorably told me: Ingrid, you will never SEE until you stop LOOKING. I was too focused on the details.
It is a life-long challenge to step back, force perspective. My life required it, since there was no way for me to do all I needed or wanted to do. I had to step back, pick, and choose intentionally. Healthy meals. Talking with my children. Exercise. These things were priorities. Attending every birthday party fell to the bottom of the list. Cleaning had to be compromised for the sake of sanity. Church. Volunteering. All was considered against the cost of time and stress. Many things I wanted to do I had to decline, and then give myself grace for my feelings of inadequacy.
Now my kids are older and I have new time and another chance to reevaluate. It’s not an easy transition!
“You will never see until you stop looking.” So profound… Lord help me to see!
Love your desert journey. Each day brings new perspective and anticipation.
Thank you for the reminder to keep my eyes fixed upon our beautiful Reward, Jesus.