Desert Journey – Day 4

Jesus, why do I feel the need to always be so prepared? My mind begins churning…if I don’t do it, who will? What if there’s a need I can’t fill? What if I have to rely on someone else? What if I have to ask for help? What if it doesn’t come out the way I want? There seems to be more. Some things are harder to identify. I sit quietly for a while…

Self-reliance, self-sufficiency, self-dependence, self-support. There is a lot of ‘self’ swirling. I suppose that does not leave much room for the Holy Spirit to move among all this self-focus. Okay Lord, how do I find equilibrium? How do I do my part and yet allow the Spirit to freely move within? I am pondering – you can’t just sit back and not be forward thinking or ready. Jesus asks, “what is my motivation?”

My motivation? Tough question that has rerouted my thinking. Well, I suppose I want to appear as if I have it all together. You can count on me. I’m your girl. I’ll get the job done. Distraction creeps in and my mind begins to wander to unrelated things. We walk on.

I come back to the question at hand, what is my motivation for preparedness? Reliance, sufficiency, dependence, support – four barriers that block the Spirit’s movement. I really do want the Holy Spirit to move and direct me more freely. I tell Jesus I am sorry for the barriers I have built.

Again my mind wanders to an unrelated topic. Or is it? It has come up twice while mediating. The Lord helps me see that I am trying to affect an outcome; a realization that I am interfering with the Holy Spirit’s movement. I hand the distraction over to Jesus, certain this won’t be the last time I hand it over. For now there is peace. It is hard to wait upon you, Lord. Help me to trust.

“I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope.” (Psalm 130:5)