Why Do I Ask Why? I Can’t Seem to Help Myself

If not verbalized, most likely, I am thinking it. It usually swirls around in the conversations I have in my head. It consumes countless hours of pondering and, at times, even robs me of sleep. 

How can a three-letter word, w-h-y, have so much power? Why do I always ask why? I can’t seem to help myself. The question plagues me.

Why? Why? Why?

Why did it turn out this way or that? Why didn’t they say such and such? Why didn’t I say such and such? Why is it taking so long? Why can’t I make sense of this? Why, why, why?

The questions continue in an endless cycle that seems to have no answer, at least for now.

Funny how I only ask why when things don’t go the way I planned. If all falls in line with, what I call Leslie’s World, then there is no need to ask why. However, if it doesn’t, I step into, as a friend commented, a funnel of why that leads me round and round, cascading downwards.

When I first learned that Ella was a reactive dog, and her ability to deal with certain everyday stimuli or situations caused her to lose her composure, to be polite, the why’s were endless. I could fill the pages of this story with why’s. When I finish sifting through all the questions, I find that ultimately it comes down to one why, why me?

Abandonment

Oh, the human condition, ever-focused on itself, for which I find myself guilty. As I sit and contemplate the need always to ask why I am reminded of a quote by Oswald Chambers, “Abandonment means to refuse yourself the luxury of asking any questions.” (My Utmost for His Highest)

Abandonment or surrender makes questioning unnecessary. Over the past twelve months, Ella and I experienced many struggles; all met with countless questions. Now I am asking, Lord, how did I not trust that you would bring us to this point? How did my faith falter so quickly with each setback or stumbling block? And Lord, what of my love for you?

Many miles to travel. Many miles traveled

The miles I have left to travel onward to spiritual maturity are countless. As I reflect on the past year, it is my love for God that needs attention. All my questioning points to a doubting Thomas who said, “Unless I see…I will not believe.” (John 20:25, NIV).

However, through God’s grace, even doubting Thomas came to believe.

“Faith is the foundation of love, on which love is built. But love is what brings faith to perfection. The more perfectly we love God, the more perfectly we believe in Him.” (St. Alphonsus Liguori)

Over the past year, Ella has worked diligently to overcome her greatest struggle to meet new people, and she has made great strides. It is still a slow, cautious process, buffered with lots of positive reinforcement, otherwise known as dog treats. She has traveled many more miles than I, but, like all sojourners, we both have many more to go.

Lessons with Ella make me grateful for a dog who has left quite an impact on me. And as I prepare her to meet her forever owner, I am left with this prayer:

Lord, increase my faith and make my love for you grow; and please bless Ella and keep her safe.